12/7/07

By Bill Burleson   

“Don and I live on a three block street in Edina, and we have a ball,” says Paul, a management consultant with a firm in Atlanta.

Across the table is Dave, a postal employee, who sits next to his partner, Harry. “When we were moving into our house,” Dave says, “A woman ran out of her house and said, ‘I’m so glad you are moving in!  We need a gay couple on the block to bring up property values!’”

I met Paul, Dave and Harry, three leaders of Minnesota Gay and Lesbian Couples (MNGLC), at Dunn Brother’s on Hennepin in Uptown. The group started in 1994 as Twin Cities Couples, but now, according to Harry, “We reformatted the group this year, so it really is a new group.” 

At present MNGLC consists of 42 couples, 26 male and 16 female, many of whom have been together for years. They have an ambitious list of events: there is the “Dining Out” series, the “Networking Series,” “Lifestyle Celebrations,” and open houses.  All that, plus four major events a year, including a big holiday event at Park House coming up December 15.   

So why a group for couples? What’s their agenda? Everybody has an agenda, right?  Are they in it to advocate for marriage rights?  “We talk about it once in a while,” Harry says.  But “we’re not very political.”

Then the group is about selling a lifestyle, right?  Trying to get same-sex couples to drive Saturns, adopt children, and be monogamous? 

“We don’t define what a relationship is,” Paul says.  “If it works for them, great.”

So what IS their agenda?

“It’s all so couples can meet other couples,” says Dave. After all, just because someone has a life partner doesn’t mean they don’t need community.  The three middle-aged men talk about not wanting to go to bars.  They talk about not wanting to be all about sex.  They talk about wanting to be relaxed.  According to Paul, at MNGLC events “you don’t have to stand and model.” 

“There’s none of the sexual tension,” adds Harry.

Agrees Paul, “You’re right: there’s none of that.”

And MNGLC is truly a community.  Members of a community help each other out, whether it’s joining the volunteer fire department or helping bring each other’s crops in.  Or in this case, According to Dave, “If someone’s in the hospital, someone’s right there.  If I was in trouble and called, 50% of the group would be there.”

As we talk, it occurs to me that there is something else going on here too. Many GLBT groups exist to support us against a sometimes hostile world. Not so much here. “In the group there tends to be more security around families,” Paul says.

Dave agrees. “Most of us have families that are accepting.”

I would never say to anyone “you should come out,” since we all have different situations and different stories and different paths to follow. However, all three agree that this acceptance is only possible because they are out to their families, not to mention their friends, co-workers and communities. A person can’t ever be accepted for who they are by keeping their true selves secret.

In fact, for me on this night, I’ll go even farther: I feel like this is one vision of success for GLBT people. 

I don’t mean being coupled up is success, nor is having a house or a dog (they tell me that nearly everyone in the group has one or more dogs).  What I am talking about is these people have been out for so long, having made their gay selves so much a part of their relationships with their families and neighborhoods, that their orientation is truly integrated into their lives. In other words, I often hear how being GLBT shouldn’t matter, and it seems to me these guys have achieved that.

Since before Stonewall, our community’s been fighting.  Fighting for our rights; fighting for recognition of our contributions to society, our work, and our families; fighting to live wholly and authentically.  We’ve been fighting so long, it’s hard to imagine not. Here, tonight, I get to enjoy a glimpse of that future.

But I keep that to myself. That’s my stuff. These guys are here for their relationships. For them it’s all about love.  “Being in a long term relationship redefined gay for me,” Paul says. “In ten years, we’ve never gone a day without talking.”

“It’s about having someone there in the morning,” Dave adds. There are many visions of what success might be for the GLBT community.  “Having someone there in the morning” is a pretty good one.